I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
