It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
