I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
