Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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