She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
