I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
