Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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