Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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