If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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