I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
