I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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