did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
