God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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