Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
