im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
