My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
