Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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