Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
