Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
