if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think my moral compass just broke
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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