I haven't been this sober since birth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You made out with two different species that night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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