just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
