At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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