did you get engaged???
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
