I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
