I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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