thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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