dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
