is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
