So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
