if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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