Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
