Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
