Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
