I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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