Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
