saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
