sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
