I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
