since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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