I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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