he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
