She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
