shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
