it wasn't lemon gatorade
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
