What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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