That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
