Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
