omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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