My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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