my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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