I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
