My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
