I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
