my phone needs a breathalizer
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
